I'm making myself put another post here. I really don't know if anyone ever sees this, but oh well. xD It's a good place to put things.
I'll probably end up putting this blog entry in lots of places. Xanga, Facebook, AND Myspace. It'll be redundant, but I have friends on Facebook that aren't on Myspace and vice versa. And Xanga just needs the attention. xD SO. Let's get started, shall we?
This year has been so much better for me emotionally than ever before in my life, excluding the oblivious childhood years. I've never felt as good as I did this January, but that's a whole different entry altogether (that is on Myspace but was neglected everywhere else). Since my highest point, I've drifted back down, but am still doing really well comparatively. Starting late last night and stretching onto this afternoon, I wasn't feeling that good emotionally. However, that usually happens a lot with me, so I didn't really think anything of it. I just resolved to go about my normal activities and try to overcome it; a big change from my old method of doing nothing. (I felt better for about an hour or two before falling asleep for a nap, which I just woke up from, so I haven't been able to see how I'm doing right now.)
Now, for those of you that don't know, I've been on anti-depressants since the 5th grade. But, since my teenage years, it's become a suspicion that they aren't doing all that they should be, if anything. (I think they ARE doing something, I just haven't been off of them to find out, but I'm pretty sure they're making a difference. Regardless though, I still struggle with negative thoughts and multiple other symptoms.)
What inspired this blog entry is the fact that I happened upon a website today called Beating the Beast, or BtB. (www.beatingthebeast.com) Seeing as depression appears to be an issue with me, I became curious and browsed for a while, eager to see what the website had to offer. For those not wanting to go there until later, or at all, I'll give you an idea of what it's like. The home page begins with a warm welcome. It then offers a link to a page listing classic signs of depression, for those who suspect depression in themselves or loved ones. After that is a more personalized list of symptoms, which have been taken from users on BtB's forum. Finally there is a link to an online depression test. It consists of ten questions only, in the "In the past two weeks, how often have you felt (insert symptom here)? Not at all, several days, more than half the days, nearly every day" form. It surprises me that depression is able to be recognized in just ten questions. Out of curiosity I took the test. Because of the questions' and answers' nature, if you think enough you think you're able to tell already what they're going to say. For example, if you check "nearly every day" a lot, you're obviously gonna be told that you show signs of depression. It also makes sense that checking "not at all" a lot will result in them telling you not much depression is seen in you. So, I'm going through, marking my answers... I was expecting a positive for depression symptoms, yes, but not a "big deal" kind of message. It tells me my symptoms are consistent with moderate depression. No surprise there. What came next is what surprised me and got me thinking:
"Your answers also show you might be at risk for harming yourself.
You are advised to see your doctor or a mental health professional immediately for a complete evaluation - or dial "911" - or call 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). - or go immediately to the nearest hospital Emergency Room for an evaluation."
(The bold was added by them, not me.) It then gives a quick disclaimer claiming it is not a substitute for a complete clinical examination then tells you the good news, that depression is treatable, and encourages you to seek treatment and offers some suggestions for going about that.
I may be at risk for harming myself, it says. That was not too surprising, but still got me thinking. I'll admit, while I am no where near brave enough to inflict pain on myself, the idea does fly through my head often. But the anticipation of pain and my fear of it always stops me from trying something that is sure to work. Suicide has been very often in the past. Lately not so much. My "high point" in January mentioned before has made me realize how great life can be, something I was not previously aware of. Since then suicide is less of an issue, but I can't count the times the thought has lingered over me for days in the past.
The main idea of this blog and the point I've been working towards with all this preceding talk is the second bold paragraph in my results. It urges me to see a professional immediately, or call 911, or go immediatelyto the nearest Emergency Room. Obviously I didn't. BUT. The severity threw me for a loop. 911? Immediate action? Emergency Room? But... those are for emergencies! A sixteen-year-old girl who has had symptoms of moderate depression for a period of two weeks (much less since 5th grade) is an emergency? I would have never come to that conclusion, and that's honesty, not sarcasm. I've been under the impression that billions of people have felt like this. Obviously everyone will get sad and depressed for periods of time, but I thought that surely billions felt it enough to have it diagnosed as a condition that will stick with you for years (much less two weeks!), maybe your entire life. And I'm not exaggerating when I say billions. I actually looked at the world population and everything. There's only 6.6 billions on the world right now, meaning I wouldn't be surprised if one-sixth of the population felt like this.
The rest of my surprise can likely be attributed to my habit of having a low sense of self-worth. It wouldn't be such an emergency that I was feeling this way if I wasn't that important, or that my life was worth much. Now, I know people love me, I am a good person, and people would miss me if I was gone. (Not to mention the spiritual aspect of believing that I have a Heavenly Father, Mother, and Savior who love me more than is fathomable.) But nothing conveyed that as powerfully as having that website tell me it was an emergency. When I think of that word, I think of something suddenly going horribly wrong that sends people into a panic. They're absolutely frantic, and those who manage to not buckle under the stress begin to try and remedy the situation in a very urgent manner, pouring all of their current concentration and effort into that problem.
Me? My feelings and where they may lead? A situation that important and urgent?
I honestly never would have guessed, and wouldn't believe it if someone had casually told me. I'll probably be reflecting on this revelation for a while. I hope that I let it help me.
Now, while this blog has been mostly about me and the difference it will make in MY life, that doesn't mean it's not applicable to anyone reading this. Very much the opposite! www.beatingthebeast.com is a wonderful site. I know that even though I just found it today! Drop in and see what's up, even if you don't think you're that depressed. It's a good reference site for all. And if you do think your depression may be an issue (or even if you don't), take the test. It's linked right on the front page of BtB. It's a good thing to do, regardless of how you feel your current situation is. Besides, even if it tells you your symptoms are not consistent, this test is worthwhile. It might help you recognize these in yourself sometime in the future, or in others.
I was very surprised by my results, and maybe you will be too. If you're feeling low you may think "That's true for them, but not for me." (I've done it before, so I know.) Well, you think they told me it was an emergency because it knew Rachel (insert last name here) was the one taking the test? No way! It's just as much of a worry, no matter who happens to be pointing and clicking.
So, there's my ramblings for the night! Wishing all a discovery a day, and a resolve to make life an adventure; where what matters most is simply being brave as you journey. Goodnight, intarwebz. :P
